‘Look! Sons are inheritance from Jehovah; The fruit of the womb is a reward.’ (Psalm 127:3) “Love you” M finally said, only after I repeatedly said ‘I love you’ to him before his goodnight kiss on the forehead last night. Those words from M are few and far between. Hence, when I finally do hear them I do cry. I hope every parent hold dear when their child express love for them. As I watched M slip into dreamy rest, I had flashbacks of his birth. It seem time has gone by so fast since the doctor told my husband and I, we’re pregnant. At the time, I experienced so much flooded emotions that panic set into my heart. My age and health played a huge role in my pregnancy with M. I remember the doctor being concerned to the point of me possibly needing bed rest. However, that year I had an amazing class of students/parents and family that was there for me. Yes, early testing in my pregnancy did show possible issues with M. However, I prayed for so long to be a mom that nothing was going to stop me in trying to carry M to full term. Even when that meant taking different medications and four shots a day plus weekly doctor visits. “Mrs. Fowler you know your shoes not matching” a student told me one day. I responded ” Do I still have my shoes on?”. True, many days I was swollen and hurting but amazingly M would do flips in my belly when he would hear the children in my classroom. Interestingly, I thought M was going to be a girl at first. We had picked out a beautiful girl’s name beginning with a M. Oddly every-time I would rub my belly and say that name, I would get nauseated. Later, a ultra sonogram would reveal M was a boy. Maybe, M was trying to tell me he was not happy with that particular name. Once, I started saying M in a boy’s name it seemed he approved and no more nausea feeling. On M’s birth day, I had a strong urge to get things completed on my to do list before M birth. I awoke early around 4 a.m cleaning the house. Later, My mom called to check on me. “I am going shopping this morning” I told my mom. In her loving wisdom my mom convinced me I was in no condition to drive. Instead, she drove my husband and I around town shopping. Fact, the movies/books do not truly tell you everything when labor pains start to hit. I knew something was starting to go wrong when my mom had to stop me at a fast food restaurant to use the restroom again. Noteworthy, I had been feeling odd pressure on my belly that morning but did not really understood the gravity of my situation. This particular restroom stop was weird. A pain hit me so hard I screamed and real tears flowed. It took every ounce of strength for me to make it back to the car. “Mom something is wrong! It hurt so bad, something is coming out!” I cried. I begun to feel light headed and all my energy was gone. At this point, my husband called the doctor and we were instructed to go to the hospital. It seemed like the bottom had fallen underneath me. “Tammy, just let it go and breath” my mom said. I had tried to be strong for M but in those moments at the hospital and delivery room everything went wrong. I do remember the doctor asking me if there was a choice of M or I too survive, which do I choose? “Please, let M live” was my last response before losing consciousness. I do not remember M birth or hearing his first scream. My husband told me that there were so much bleeding and it seemed like eternity before the doctors could get M to breath. He noted M was quickly taken away by the nurses. It would be hours later before I gain full consciousness. My first thought was did M survive. A nurse would later take my husband and I to the NICU wing of the hospital. I could not walk so the nurse roll me in with a wheelchair. M looked so helpless and tiny in the NICU bed. There were tubes in him. He was struggling to breath. I cried because I did this to him. The nurse put her arms around me. Another nurse took M out his bed and said “he need to feel your love”. I was so scared as she placed M in my arms with tubes still attached. She had to show me how to hold him so as not to disrupt the wires and tubes. In that moment, I became a mom. M was and is a blessing. He fought to survive against all odds. M’s birth expended my understanding of love, I felt unconditional love while holding him in the mist of beeping machines.
Simply an autism mom remembering