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I Love You

Unconditional love really exists in each of us.  It’s part of our deep inner being.  It’s not so much an active emotion as a state of being.  It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’  It’s love for no reason, love without an object…Ram Dass.  Once M was born my heart was open more to understanding the language of ‘I love you’.  I think all of us need a measure of reassurance that we’re loved.  Perhaps having someone trying to understand us, even if they don’t fully agree or perfectly understand our quirkiness.  ‘I love you’ goes beyond words, I truly believe it’s honesty in meaning it and our actions backing it up.  The older I get everyday little things means so much in expressing ‘I love you’; like coming home and your mate fix your favorite meal or on a tired day your child gives you a big hug or having your feet massage by your mate while sipping hot tea.  Honestly, in my heart those ‘I love you’ are beautiful treasures that’s often more valuable than expression of big things.  There are million different ways each us demonstrate ‘I love you.’  Today, M had an amazing day at school and therapy.  In fact, it has been a no meltdown day.  Hence, I treated M to a little toy car.  However, M was not impressed.  He threw the toy car on the floor of our car.  I said “M, I love you!”  M said nothing, he just kept humming.  Later, I stopped to get something to drink at a fast food chain.  I requested two extra straws.  I handed the two wrap straws to M.  If I was not driving, I would have loved to record M’s reaction.  His eyes lighted up and he kept saying ” love you, love you!”  You would think I handed  him the world.  M has taught me that ‘I love you’ is a language that go beyond words.  Before M had words, he showed his love by putting his little toes on me before he could go to sleep or laying his head on my arm briefly or giving me a smile…so many little ways M show his love…you just have to open your heart to his beautiful world.

Simply an autism mom expressing ‘I love you’

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Mornings

If mornings aren’t your thing right now, try making yourself do a happy dance after you get out of bed.  It helps me…Victoria Arlen.  Today, I awoke to M staring at me.  “Good morning M”, I said.  “Cup please”, M responded.  Yes, M did not echo morning back. Instead, he went right to stating what he needed using good manners.  M is progressing in clearly expressing himself.  “Good morning”, I repeated. “Morning”, M finally said.  I must confess waking up at 3am was not my idea morning ritual.  However, with M it’s a luxury if our mornings start around 5am.  I do count my blessings on M early morning rising in a happy/calm mood.  Truefully some early morning rising with M takes a whole lot of prayer and coffee, we can be up anywhere around 1am or 2am.  In which case, M having difficulty resting his beautiful mind.  “Sofia, Sofia please”, M often repeat in those early morning hours.  M find peace and comfort watching ‘Caleb & Sofia Become Jehovah Friend’ series (www.jw.org).  Every morning M has to watch this program to start his day.  Even when I am rushing in the morning, M still need to watch at least one episode of the ‘Become Jehovah Friend’ series whether it’s the music part or lesson part. Of course, I eventually downloaded the videos to the ipad and my phone so ‘Caleb & Sofia’ can go everywhere with M.  Honestly, I wake up most mornings still tired.  Yes some mornings, I just don’t want to get out the bed.  Prayer and my coffee helps me get up even in the early mornings with being optimistic about my day.  It’s a beautiful gift to see M waking up in the morning, wide eyed and ready to be amazing!

Simply an autism mom drinking coffee and enjoying the morning

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Anxious

Practically everybody knows what it’s like to feel anxious, worried, nervous, afraid, uptight or panicky.  Often, anxiety is just a nuisance, but sometimes it can cripple you and prevent you from doing what you really want with your life.  But I have some great news for you: you can change the way you feel…David D. Burns.  “M just take a deep breath and calm down” I kept repeating while silently praying for help. “Go, Go, help” M kepted responding.  I managed to get M into the dental office.  In truth, I was feeling anxious about taking M to the dentist alone.  Sadly after the dental assistance called us back, M started demonstrating being anxious even more.  I felt his calmness slipping away, his behavior quickly turned into fight/flight mode.  Eventually, the doctor offered a private room to take M.  However, M needed more time to work through his feeling of being anxious.  The dental office staff helped me get M into a small quiet room.  Often during moments of feeling anxious, taking a deep breath offer us a moment of reflection.  That maybe this moment of anxiousness is just temporary, we’re going to be fine or everything will work out.  The feeling of being anxious can weigh heavily on our heart, I can testify to this truth. ‘Do not be afraid, for I am with you.  Do not be anxious for I am your God.  I will fortify you, yes, I will help you…'(Isaiah 41:10).  In moments of my own anxiousness combine with M’s anxiousness, faith in this truth bring comfort to my heart.  The minutes spent in the small room with M screaming and being physical required a lot of calmness on my part.  I am understanding not being anxious require a level of humility, it takes faith to believe when every problems/troubles are pouring down rain upon you, everything is still going to be fine.  Honestly, my words of reassurance to M did not help in this moment.  Instead, it was my action of completely removing M from the whole anxious situation of the dental office.  Yes, it did take four of us to get him to the car.  However after driving for a few minutes, M finally regained peace and hummed himself to sleep.  Later, I did reschedule M dental appointment to a early morning one, when office less crowded and no school or therapy are scheduled.  As a parent, I am responsible to teach M by example, not to be anxious and trust our Creator will help us in whatever we’re battling. Being anxious does not add anything to our life but only hinder our ability to enjoy the beauty of life!

Simply an autism mom holding onto faith and letting go being anxious

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Reassurance

Part of the power of storytelling is reassurance, offering hope to those sat in the darkness, that good can succeed and wrong doing fail…Charles Sturridge.  It’s hard to believe a year has past, since our first M’s Story was shared in hope of reassurance.  Initially, our life story on the autism spectrum was about wanting to inspire others to better understand children like our M.  However, I discovered in the process M’s Story brought about reassurance, we’re not alone in our autism journey.  This past weekend we attended our ‘Love Never Fails’ convention.  We stayed in a hotel that had elevators.  Each time M got onto the elevator, he would cling to me.  He needed to feel safe and was seeking reassurance it was going to be OK.  “One more, One more!”, he kept repeating each time the elevator would stop at a floor.  “Yes M, I got you”, I responded.  Each time someone would get on or off  the elevator, M would cling tight to me and humm loud.  Next to our last stop a woman got onto the elevator with a child.  They were wearing a convention badge too.  Her son was wearing bright red noise cancellation headphones.  It was an eureka moment, we looked at each other and instantly knew, we were both on the autism journey.  Although we briefly chatted, I felt reassurance that as parents we’re doing the best we can with help from our Creator.  We gave each other reassuring hugs before exiting the elevator.  Even in adulthood, we’re still grasping for reassurance of love and support.  I do have understanding to M the outside world is bigger, loud and more colorful…his sense of alarm need our reassurance.

Simply an autism mom giving & receiving reassurance