A Decade

“No greater joy do I have than this: that I should hear that my children go on walking in the truth.” 3 John 4

It’s hard to believe that a decade has past since M’s birth. I must admit his life has been filled with love along with support from family, friends, medical professionals and education professionals. Honestly, I would love to say that every step of the way his life was nothing but rosy or sunshine everyday . The truth is M has struggled everyday of his life. I can remember many nights when he was a baby crying hours on end or the so many trips to the emergency room due to very high fevers. He was diagnose with being on the autism spectrum disorder at two and half. The inability to articulate his needs and wants has been a source of his frustration. Thankfully, M had early intervention and continues to receive speech/occupational/physical services. Interestingly as M develop his unique personality, I come understand there are two sides of M. There is a side of him that can be so sweet and well mannered. He understands how to use please/thank you and sorry in the right context now. He now spontaneously say love you and kiss kiss. Amazingly, he says “Daddy” now. Along with using two or three word phrase such as ” I want”. Of course, he still have use of his communication device. However, there is this other side of him so closely tied into his autism spectrum disorder. The mental health side of M is very fragile. Frankly, I do not think any books or medical professionals can fully prepare you as a parent to brace for the heart break of seeing your child becoming mentally unhinged. There are times M is so happy humming along with his straws and then all of a sudden he can start screaming/crying, this roller coaster of emotions occur everyday. It has taken a decade to help M navigate his complex emotions into a positive one instead a destructive one. Yes, M in these emotional lows can become very aggressive. Thus, M can harm himself and others. I must admit this side of M is the most difficult part of being his mom. My love for him runs very deep, I wanted him for so long…when he hurt I hurt. If had the ability to do away with all his struggles or pain, I would move heaven an earth to make it happen. Recently, M had his annual medical appointments for new leg braces, ears/nose/throat visit, dental procedure, wheelchair adjustment, new weighted vest/blanket, cancellation headphones etc. M mentally and physically struggled during these times. Of course, I had explained to him before hand about what would take place at each appointment. In the mist of these visits, I took the blunt of his aggression. In those moments, it feel like my heart is turning against me and it hurts so bad. The tears of this type of pain comes later in my moments of alone time. No, it is not right for him to kick or hit me. On the other hand, I fully understand that M’s mental state in those moments are flight or fight. It takes Jehovah, God to give me the strength to stay calm and redirect him in those moments of mental unrest (Isaiah 12:2; Psalm 28:7; Psalm 143:7; Psalm 22:19). Noteworthy, I do reiterate to M that feeling scared/afraid is understandable but hitting, kicking or throwing are not acceptable behavior. This is a constant decade learning mental mind set for M. Of course, I am aware of various medications, supplements or diets that may help. As with anything, I have to way the pros and cons to each method in M’s overall health care. One of the highlights of M’s day for me is when he hugs me and ask for a kiss on the forehead. In those moments, my hopes and dreams is that M find joy/peace with our Creator for decades. Yes, FOREVER!

Simply an autism mom reminiscing a decade with M