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With Eyes…

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“I will not run and hide…with eyes of faith, I see beyond the darkness. With eyes of faith, there’s nothing more to fear…I can move a mountain. With eyes of faith, my hope is sure…”-(http://www.jw.org Sing Out Joyfully song #156 With Eyes of Faith)

The season of spring is all around us. It’s during this time that we often contemplate the life and celebration of Jesus Christ. How he has affected M’s life? These past two years M has transform into a teenager. He has undergone many changes not only in school, medical doctor/therapists/ but home life as well. Yes, he struggled initially with all the changes. The sleepless nights and back to back emotional/mental break downs were draining on his body. Honestly, looking into M’s eyes when he is having an emotional/mental break is hard. In these moments he is not rational. My words to him has to be short and to the point. My actions has to calm and consistent. For example, around 6:40 p.m yesterday M began hysterically crying. He sought refuge in our bathroom with the vent turn on. True, I clocked the time because M has a routine of taking his evening medications. We instantly went to check his behavior. We wanted to understand what caused him to suddenly switch from happily stemming with his straws in the den. I tried getting him to use his talking device to communicate if something was hurting him. Still, he just pushed me away to get out of the bathroom. Noteworthy, he did not have to use the restroom. M has selected areas of the house he consider safe. In that moment, I have learned to step back and take a deep breath. No, it’s not easy. My first instinct was to just grab him and hug him tightly. I want him to know I love him and I am here for him. But experience has taught me something. It’s alright to just sit outside the door. I calmly let him know I am here. The reasoning for listening and staying outside the bathroom door was for M’s safety. We did use his weighted vest and calming medication. It took some time for all this to regulate M’s nervous/mental system. While this was happening, I would look into the bathroom every now and then. I wanted to make sure M was not doing anything unsafe. Additionally, I would clasp my hand together to remind him to use safe hands. Later, M finally leveled down his emotions and came out the bathroom. He asked for a kiss kiss on his forehead. His way of letting me know he loves me. I had him to look at me. In his eyes, I see the wondrous future God has in store for him. Hence, my reflection on Jesus Christ life and death for M. On April 2nd this year, we will celebrate Jesus Christ death (Memorial) after sun down. It is this that help M and I see beyond the trails or complications being on the autism spectrum disorder. True, attending in person will be very difficult for M. He suffers with overwhelming anxiety being in crowds, loud noises, unfamiliar faces (process), evening outing, and bright lights. All these combinations takes a heavy toll on his physic/physical body. No amount of medication can combat these external factors effectively, unless M medically put to sleep. I am thankful since COVID the use of various technology (Zoom). M’s hope of one day being set free to be all that he can be (Rom. 8:21) is the benefits of the ransom by Jesus being fully applied in God’s new world.

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Simply an autism mom seeing

Into The Storm

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We all have life storms, and when we get rough times and we recover from them, we should celebrate that we got through it. No matter how bad it may seem, there’s always something beautiful that you can find.–Mattie Stepanek. In our suv’s rear view mirror, I could see the clouds darkening behind us. The in car driver child ‘s backseat mirror reflected M’s uneasiness of the changing weather. Out of the changing weather, lighting flash and the sounds of thunder rung loud. However, before I could even see or hear such storm, M had begun to manifest an emotional meltdown. He proceeded to cry/scream hysterically and wildly moving his arms/legs. In this state of mind, he threw his tablet and straws at me. Fortunately, M was secured in a three point harness for his safety and mine. As our vehicle was over come by the storm, M’s emotional mental state escalated into screeching screams until his nose started to bleed. In those moments, I kept encouraging M to pray for help as I drove carefully to our destination. Noteworthy, I do try to monitor the weather each day especially in trying to be prepared for storms with M. However, we all know some storms are more difficult than others, we can only hope such storms be short in their duration. Hence in the parking lot, M and I waited out the storm. I begun to praying out-loud for help in calming down M’s emotional state. Often, I am afraid he will accidentally shatter the car window with his hand/head because of his distress. True being confined in a car during a stressful situation was not ideal, on the other hand, being in a public unfamiliar space with M while he was experiencing an emotional meltdown would be more dangerous. From experience, M need time to regain control over his emotions. Honestly, there is no set time for how long M regain control regulating his mental state. There has been times he required over three hours of adjusting his emotional outburst meltdown during a storm. Yes, that has included him jumping up and down on a trampoline, running up/down hallway, screaming/crying, closing and opening doors, throwing himself on the floor, lashing out at mom, throwing things, etc. while the storm proceed until it finally stop. Of course these actions from M still occur with weighted vest, calming music, a cancellation headphone, weighted blanket or stuff animal being available to aid M in self-regulation. In my confession, I would rather face such storms with M in the safety of our home verses in the unknown. Believe it or not, M seem to sense a storm coming even when we’re at home. His demeanor would change quickly like a light switch. Often, he would look out the window and start to cry. Thus, I would check my weather app and sure enough a storm was coming our way. If we have to go out with M during a storm, it would take a whole lot of energy/strength and patience/holy spirit just to get him out the door. My hope is one day M would be no longer traumatize by a storm but rather be accepting that storms are a part of life. Hence, M master the sailing ship of his emotions with Jehovah, God’s guidance into a peaceful state of mind…embracing hope after a storm.

Simply an autism mom,

A Decade

“No greater joy do I have than this: that I should hear that my children go on walking in the truth.” 3 John 4

It’s hard to believe that a decade has past since M’s birth. I must admit his life has been filled with love along with support from family, friends, medical professionals and education professionals. Honestly, I would love to say that every step of the way his life was nothing but rosy or sunshine everyday . The truth is M has struggled everyday of his life. I can remember many nights when he was a baby crying hours on end or the so many trips to the emergency room due to very high fevers. He was diagnose with being on the autism spectrum disorder at two and half. The inability to articulate his needs and wants has been a source of his frustration. Thankfully, M had early intervention and continues to receive speech/occupational/physical services. Interestingly as M develop his unique personality, I come understand there are two sides of M. There is a side of him that can be so sweet and well mannered. He understands how to use please/thank you and sorry in the right context now. He now spontaneously say love you and kiss kiss. Amazingly, he says “Daddy” now. Along with using two or three word phrase such as ” I want”. Of course, he still have use of his communication device. However, there is this other side of him so closely tied into his autism spectrum disorder. The mental health side of M is very fragile. Frankly, I do not think any books or medical professionals can fully prepare you as a parent to brace for the heart break of seeing your child becoming mentally unhinged. There are times M is so happy humming along with his straws and then all of a sudden he can start screaming/crying, this roller coaster of emotions occur everyday. It has taken a decade to help M navigate his complex emotions into a positive one instead a destructive one. Yes, M in these emotional lows can become very aggressive. Thus, M can harm himself and others. I must admit this side of M is the most difficult part of being his mom. My love for him runs very deep, I wanted him for so long…when he hurt I hurt. If had the ability to do away with all his struggles or pain, I would move heaven an earth to make it happen. Recently, M had his annual medical appointments for new leg braces, ears/nose/throat visit, dental procedure, wheelchair adjustment, new weighted vest/blanket, cancellation headphones etc. M mentally and physically struggled during these times. Of course, I had explained to him before hand about what would take place at each appointment. In the mist of these visits, I took the blunt of his aggression. In those moments, it feel like my heart is turning against me and it hurts so bad. The tears of this type of pain comes later in my moments of alone time. No, it is not right for him to kick or hit me. On the other hand, I fully understand that M’s mental state in those moments are flight or fight. It takes Jehovah, God to give me the strength to stay calm and redirect him in those moments of mental unrest (Isaiah 12:2; Psalm 28:7; Psalm 143:7; Psalm 22:19). Noteworthy, I do reiterate to M that feeling scared/afraid is understandable but hitting, kicking or throwing are not acceptable behavior. This is a constant decade learning mental mind set for M. Of course, I am aware of various medications, supplements or diets that may help. As with anything, I have to way the pros and cons to each method in M’s overall health care. One of the highlights of M’s day for me is when he hugs me and ask for a kiss on the forehead. In those moments, my hopes and dreams is that M find joy/peace with our Creator for decades. Yes, FOREVER!

Simply an autism mom reminiscing a decade with M

Out Of The Mouth Of Children

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“…Yes. Did you never read this, ‘Out of the mouth of children and infants, you have brought forth praise’?” (Matthew 21:16) One of the greatest joys of being a mother is hearing your child express their first words such as ‘mom’. We’re gifted with 86,400 seconds in a day to communicate with our fellow mankind. Those communications could encompass empathy, love, warmth and kindness. Honestly, some of us struggle with just expressing our basic needs or wants to others. Hence, we may practice often how to improve our communication skills. As a parent, you want to give your child all the tools to be effective communicators not just in their needs but fundamental heartfelt expressive words to our Creator and other humans. Thus, M has been in speech therapy since the age of two. He received early intervention with a wonderful speech therapist name Marilyn. She taught M basic sign language to express his needs. Before this gift, M would frequently have fits, scream or cry. It was true, I could feel M’s frustration because I did not always understand what he was trying to communicate. Additionally, M’s therapy helped him in connecting or processing words. For example, M learned the sign language for the word mom. However, it took M some time to make the connection that I represented the word mom. This past year M received an Alternative and Augmentative Communication device. It has opened up another avenue for him to expressive language. He now often hit the button with my picture to say mom. This new technology has been a wonderful gift into M’s thinking process. For example, last month M kept rubbing the left side of his face and once took my hand to touch his face. Since I was not sure what exactly M was communicating, I told M to get his AAC device. He immediately did and responded by hitting the button for teeth several times. So I asked, “M do your teeth hurt?” M responded, “HURT!” with the device. Hence, I made M an pediatric dentist appointment. It turn out the dentist had to remove one M’s back baby molar tooth that was loose to make room for a new one underneath his gum. In full disclosure, it did take six of us to help M with this dental procedure. Even though he wanted the pain to go away, he did not agree with the process. Afterwards, M needed some time to work out his feelings in the wheelchair stroller. M has been working on connecting emotional words with pictures using his AAC device. Additionally, we have been working with M in understanding it’s OK to ask for help when his emotions are overwhelming (James 1:5). Hence, he has mastered saying the word HELP and hitting the button on his AAC for God’s name Jehovah. M has taught me that speech may not always be an option but that there is plenty he want to communicate; I just need to have patience while he continue to expand his communication skills.

Simply an autism mom

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M’s Birth

‘Look! Sons are inheritance from Jehovah; The fruit of the womb is a reward.’ (Psalm 127:3) “Love you” M finally said, only after I repeatedly said ‘I love you’ to him before his goodnight kiss on the forehead last night. Those words from M are few and far between. Hence, when I finally do hear them I do cry. I hope every parent hold dear when their child express love for them. As I watched M slip into dreamy rest, I had flashbacks of his birth. It seem time has gone by so fast since the doctor told my husband and I, we’re pregnant. At the time, I experienced so much flooded emotions that panic set into my heart. My age and health played a huge role in my pregnancy with M. I remember the doctor being concerned to the point of me possibly needing bed rest. However, that year I had an amazing class of students/parents and family that was there for me. Yes, early testing in my pregnancy did show possible issues with M. However, I prayed for so long to be a mom that nothing was going to stop me in trying to carry M to full term. Even when that meant taking different medications and four shots a day plus weekly doctor visits. “Mrs. Fowler you know your shoes not matching” a student told me one day. I responded ” Do I still have my shoes on?”. True, many days I was swollen and hurting but amazingly M would do flips in my belly when he would hear the children in my classroom. Interestingly, I thought M was going to be a girl at first. We had picked out a beautiful girl’s name beginning with a M. Oddly every-time I would rub my belly and say that name, I would get nauseated. Later, a ultra sonogram would reveal M was a boy. Maybe, M was trying to tell me he was not happy with that particular name. Once, I started saying M in a boy’s name it seemed he approved and no more nausea feeling. On M’s birth day, I had a strong urge to get things completed on my to do list before M birth. I awoke early around 4 a.m cleaning the house. Later, My mom called to check on me. “I am going shopping this morning” I told my mom. In her loving wisdom my mom convinced me I was in no condition to drive. Instead, she drove my husband and I around town shopping. Fact, the movies/books do not truly tell you everything when labor pains start to hit. I knew something was starting to go wrong when my mom had to stop me at a fast food restaurant to use the restroom again. Noteworthy, I had been feeling odd pressure on my belly that morning but did not really understood the gravity of my situation. This particular restroom stop was weird. A pain hit me so hard I screamed and real tears flowed. It took every ounce of strength for me to make it back to the car. “Mom something is wrong! It hurt so bad, something is coming out!” I cried. I begun to feel light headed and all my energy was gone. At this point, my husband called the doctor and we were instructed to go to the hospital. It seemed like the bottom had fallen underneath me. “Tammy, just let it go and breath” my mom said. I had tried to be strong for M but in those moments at the hospital and delivery room everything went wrong. I do remember the doctor asking me if there was a choice of M or I too survive, which do I choose? “Please, let M live” was my last response before losing consciousness. I do not remember M birth or hearing his first scream. My husband told me that there were so much bleeding and it seemed like eternity before the doctors could get M to breath. He noted M was quickly taken away by the nurses. It would be hours later before I gain full consciousness. My first thought was did M survive. A nurse would later take my husband and I to the NICU wing of the hospital. I could not walk so the nurse roll me in with a wheelchair. M looked so helpless and tiny in the NICU bed. There were tubes in him. He was struggling to breath. I cried because I did this to him. The nurse put her arms around me. Another nurse took M out his bed and said “he need to feel your love”. I was so scared as she placed M in my arms with tubes still attached. She had to show me how to hold him so as not to disrupt the wires and tubes. In that moment, I became a mom. M was and is a blessing. He fought to survive against all odds. M’s birth expended my understanding of love, I felt unconditional love while holding him in the mist of beeping machines.

Simply an autism mom remembering